(STATIC, RADIO CHANNELS SKIPPING)
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: This country is at war with Germany.
NEWSCASTER 1: President Kennedy and Governor John Connally
were shot today...
NELSON MANDELA: A South Africa without apartheid
will be a better home for all.
- RONALD REAGAN: Tear down this wall. - (CROWD CHEERING)
MARGARET THATCHER: The lady's not for turning.
ALAN PARTRIDGE: To reconcile respect with practicality,
what is the optimum speed for a hearse?
I'm Alan Partridge and this is Mid Morning Matters.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
Today we're talking forced celebrity breeding.
If you could take two famous people and force them to mate,
who would it be and why?
Line Two, we have Duncan in Beccles.
- Hello, Duncan. - Hello, Alan.
I'd go for Stephen Hawking and Pamela Anderson.
Then you'd create a beautiful genius.
Or a disabled lifeguard.
Oh... Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah.
Yeah. And I tell you something, Duncan you wouldn't be able to sack them.
Not these days.
I actually saw you in a petrol station, Alan, about a year ago.
- Did you? - Yeah, you looked quite angry.
But you had brand-new jeans on.
- Bye! - Bye.
That was When Smokey Sings from ABC.
We know the rest, it's the alphabet.
Uh, webcam voyeurs, hello.
You may be aware
that I'm sitting in the presence of Zoe Scott.
Great to have you on the team, Zoe.
Lovely to be your new sidekick, Alan.
Well, I'm not sure I'd say sidekick.
- Probably more like, um, co-DJ. - Okay.
Actually, I'm the DJ. What should we call you?
A banter jockey.
- Yeah, all right. - BJ.
No, that sounds a bit rude.
You're a breath of fresh air.
You really are.
Um, and the same time tomorrow
it's the semi-finals of our religious debating competition,
Creed Crunch, which sees last year's winner Islam face Hinduism,
after the Hindus knocked out Christianity in the quarters.
Should be a lot of fun. Please, please, could we not have
crowds amassing outside the radio station
burning not-very-well-made papier-mâché effigies of me?
Um, and Steve Doran, for some reason.
- The weather man? - Yeah.
I think they just didn't like the sound of his voice.
Okay. Here's the weather, with Steve Doran.
(NESSUN DORMA FROM TURANDOT PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)
- Welcome, Polly. - Hi, Alan.
So if you just try and enjoy it,
and, uh, we try and keep the conversation quite informal.
Yeah, but not too informal.
I mean, it's not Nigel Pinsett's In Depth,
but neither is it Wally Banter's Junk Box.
(LAUGHS) Okay. All right, fine.
Um, and also, Polly, if there's any gaps in the conversation
or in your responses, then Zoe or I will jump in.
Yeah, like Polyfilla.
Polyfilla... Yeah, that's very good.
So are you quite clever?
- I do okay. - Yeah, you do, don't you?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay, let's, uh, let's do it.
I'm joined by agony aunt Polly Maplin. Hello, Polly.
Hi, Alan.
Our first caller wishes to remain anonymous,
which in my experience means it should be a cracker.
Hello?
I've had a really tough year.
Hmm. An annus horribilis.
Some people think that's Latin for irritable bowel syndrome.
It's actually Latin for just "the Queen's sad year".
Go on, go on, my love.
Okay, um...
I'm a bit... I'm a bit frightened of my husband.
And I know he's been abusive in previous relationships.
And, um, he's recently started to behave that way towards me.
Um, but it's difficult because I know he's been under stress at work.
Can I just interrupt you there? I'm sorry, I didn't catch her name.
Uh, she's anonymous.
You can call her what you like. Sissy.
Listen to me, darling, it's never ever acceptable
for a man to be abusive. Ever.
Can I just stop you to clarify something? Sissy, um...
Your husband, did he hit you or was it just a shove?
No. Why the distinction? I don't follow.
I'm just... I'm on your side.
I know... I'm... I know it's absolutely no longer acceptable
to give your spouse a fat lip or a thick ear
and hasn't been acceptable since 1978, even in Scotland.
Um, but a shove...
A shove is absolutely not acceptable.
Okay, I don't mean into a thorn bush
or a skip full of broken fluorescent tubing.
I mean, just, you know, in the corridor, onto the carpet.
No. Abuse is abuse.
I mean, it doesn't even have to be physical.
It could just be something like shouting in the car or...
Well, hang on a minute. Are you saying that in the early '80s,
when I was giving my wife driving lessons
and I said, "Jesus, there's a kid, you dozy cow!"
That you're saying that's abuse,
whereas I simply think I was trying to save the life of a child.
Next caller.
Uh, so, a quick email here from Samantha,
who says that she has fat arms.
Oh, Samantha. I mean, a lot of people, so many of you have a fixation
with physical perfection these days.
It's because we're bombarded with images of size zero models,
an impossible ideal to attain.
It is. Absolutely. Samantha, I'm sure your arms are absolutely fine.
Well, she's got an attachment here.
Oh, my God, they are vast!
Wow!
- Alan... - That's...
Uh, I've got to send this to Jonathan Ross.
Okay. And yeah, we've got a letter here from Lucinda.
Uh, Lucinda says, "I'm 45 but I'm going out with a 23-year-old man.
"But although he's very affectionate, he cannot maintain an erection.
"And I'm worried it's my fault. What shall I do?"
Well, it's actually very common in younger men,
much more so than people realise.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, of course, we're lucky now to have Viagra.
Yeah, but although do not exceed the stated dose.
So, uh, you've suffered from that, have you, Alan?
No! No, no, no, no.
(LAUGHING) No. No.
Well, a lot of men have.
I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
All right, well, all right... All right, once.
But that was only because I'd already commenced foreplay
when I remembered I hadn't renewed my tax disc.
But, um, once I put a quick call in to the DVLA,
uh, lovemaking could begin in anger.
I think it's all about making sure the conditions are right.
There have been times when I've been more, uh, rubbery than turgid.
I mean, you can't just summon up, uh, tumescence
like room service.
Yeah, and, uh, you know, I think it's partly down to the woman
to sort of help set the mood a little, help men relax.
- Absolutely. - Thank you. Thank you.
I mean, it's all about mood.
- Uh, take the phone off the hook. - Mmm-hmm.
Uh, put on some easy listening, Carpenters, Enya.
And, of course, make sure the heating's on.
Okay, uh, got another email here
from Paul in Swaffham, on forced celebrity breeding.
Um, this one is Kylie Minogue
and David Dickinson to make an Oompa Loompa.
Absolutely. Uh, Minogue provides the size,
Dickinson provides the requisite skin tone and expression.
Okay, and now it's time for more forced celebrity breeding.
I've got Ibrahim on Line One.
Uh, I was hoping to speak to Polly, actually.
Oh, Polly's nipped out, I'm afraid.
Oh, okay.
Uh, it's just I've been going out
with this girl for, oh, eight months now,
and she suddenly told me she doesn't love me any more.
I could do with speaking to Polly.
Yeah, Polly's nipped out, mate. I did say.
Uh, no. No, you don't understand. I really love this woman
and without her, my life is empty.
I think the time has come for me to end it.
(WHISPERS) Go and get Polly.
Okay, listen, stay calm.
- Uh, Abraham. - Ibrahim.
I know what you're going through.
- Really? How can you? - Um...
I just do. That said, if I could just do the traffic updates.
It's just we're contractually bound and it is nearly quarter past.
Oh, forget about it. Don't worry, this...
Whoa, okay, all right. I won't do it. I won't do it.
- You don't understand, do you? - I do!
I'll tell you something, okay?
So I'll tell you something I've never told anyone before.
In summer 1980,
I was on a country road
and I was distracted by the Moscow Olympic boycott,
when I slipped on some shit and crashed into a horse.
Um, I was driving a car at the time, I must add that.
A horse?
Yes. I'd shattered both its legs, well, two of them. It had four.
I didn't know what to do.
In the end, after phoning the RSPCA
and putting on a Scottish accent,
I wandered home, you know, past the, uh...
Slow-moving eastbound traffic on the A47.
MAN: Sponsored by Castrol.
IBRAHIM: Are you doing the traffic report?
Yeah. I'm spinning plates here, mate, I'll be honest.
Polly, thank goodness. I've got a sad Arab on Line Three.
Hello. Ibrahim, Polly here, my love. How can I help you?
Uh, it's my girlfriend.
She told me she doesn't love me any more,
and I'm thinking of ending the relationship.
- Well... - Wait, you're not gonna kill yourself?
No, of course I'm not going to kill myself.
Mate, if I'd known that, I would have never told you about my equicide.
- Thanks a lot, Abraham. - Ibrahim.
I've got a letter here from Katie in King's Lynn.
Um, she says that her grandmother died over a year ago
and she still cries every day.
Oh, well, Katie, you must remember, my darling,
that there's nothing wrong with crying.
Nothing wrong with crying. Nothing wrong with crying.
I sometimes cry in the shower.
That way you don't know if it's hot water or tears.
It wouldn't be much good to her, though, if she takes baths.
No, you can cry underwater.
As long as you can hold your breath. I find 30-second bursts
are more than ample for the problems I encounter.
What sort of problems do you encounter?
Uh, I use short-burst underwater crying for lots of things.
Like, say, when I think about the dog I had when I was 11.
Oh, what was he called?
Barney.
Barney the dog.
He could balance footballs on the end of his nose.
I buried him in the back garden.
Were you alone?
(WHIMPERS) People offered to help, but I wanted to do it by myself.
ALAN: This is Visage, Fade to Grey.
(FADE TO GREYPLAYING)
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
ZOE: Spanning the length of the alphabet from A to Z,
it's Alan and Zoe.
ALAN: But mainly Alan. Humph.
You're listening to Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge
and my little pocket ray of sunshine, Zoe Scott.
Speaking of sunshine, Alan,
have you treated yourself to a sunbed last night?
- No. - What about a spray tan?
Um...
I don't think so.
Hmm. Morning, morning, everyone. You're listening to MMM,
with ZS and AP, or ZAP.
You've got such a lovely, engaging way with people.
You really have.
- Okay, today's... - So, coming up, we've got...
- Are you going to... - Are you...
- (LAUGHS) - Do you know what?
We're like... We are like an old married couple.
Yeah, and pretty soon we'll be bickering all the time,
- you know, you'll be drinking too much. - (BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, and then you'll get jealous of my career
and run off with a fitness instructor.
No, thanks. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Uh, well, she got the T-shirt, got the shirt off my back, really did.
Fucking witch.
(JOLLY WHISTLING TUNE PLAYING)
MAN: Well, I just found that when she strayed from historical fact,
that took me out of the story.
Apart from that, I thought it was a very good first effort.
Yeah, I've got to say I'm a little surprised, Crispin.
I found that Mantel's main characters are scorchingly well-rendered.
Um, and the sharp-clawed machinations are presented with non-stop verve
in a book that can compress a wealth of incisiveness
into a very few well-chosen words.
That's just word for word what it says on the back of the book!
That's my book of the week.
Uh, that's Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall.
(HOWLS)
Oh, do you know what? If I had known you were going to wear
that kind of, this kind of pink... I mean, I know enough about colours
to know that this pink clashes with that pink.
- Correct? - Not clash.
It's just not quite the same.
This is raspberry, definitely. How would you describe that?
I would say that's like strawberries and cream.
It is like... It's like a strawberry milkshake.
- Yes, it is. - I would drink you dry.
- (LAUGHS) - I would... (SLURPING)
Ooh! (LAUGHS)
Very good.
- I'm down to your boots. - Oh, God.
- Okay. - (SIGHS) Can I have another?
- I'm still thirsty! - God...
Alan, you do really remind me of my dad.
You know, you'd really like him.
Well, I love dads. I am a dad.
I've got a dad. Well, I had a dad.
Oh. What was he like?
What was he like, my dad?
Uh, I remember one birthday he bought me this big red cake
in the shape of...
(STAMMERING)
- A space rocket? - No.
A train?
- No. - Football?
It was a rectangle.
And, um, I remember, he came up and said,
"Delivery for Mr Partridge!" I was so excited,
I banged into the table and oops, the cake went everywhere.
Oh...
Uh, my dad walked up to me and he said,
"You will never amount to anything." He said, "You are that to me."
Imagine saying that to a seven-year-old kid.
- Alan, that's terrible. - That's not the end of the story
'cause as he turned round to storm off, he slipped on the cake,
legs went flying, banged his head, and he needed 11 stitches.
And I was glad.
This is a little itty-bitty of Scritti Politti.
What you got in your iPod, Zo?
Uh, I have got a bit of Mumford & Sons,
- bit of Kings of Leon... - Do you like... Do you like Kate Bush?
- She's all right. - All right?
She's got more talent in her little finger
than I've got in my entire arms.
Um, it's the sheer versatility of her lyrics.
- Yeah? - Uh, yeah, I'll give you an e.g., e. G...
# Oh, he's here again
- # The man with the child in his eyes # - Mmm-hmm.
That could be, uh... (DISDAINFULLY) "Oh, he's here again.
"The man with the child in his eyes." You see?
Um... (CAMPLY) "Oh, he's here again.
"The man with the child in his eyes."
- Little bit of a camp one. - Yeah, I like it.
Um...
(WORRIED) "Oh, he's here again.
"The man with the child in his eyes."
- Ooh. - Um...
Or, uh, "Oh, he's here again!
"The man with the child in his eyes!"
- See? It's quite versatile. - Okay, um...
But how do you think she actually meant it?
Um...
(SENSITIVELY) # Oh, he's here again
# The man with the child in his eyes #
That one was about you, Alan.
This is Terry Jacks, Sea... (CHOKING) ... sons In The Sun.
(INTRO PLAYING)
Do you remember, we got onto the subject of boots
and you had never heard of Uggs.
I thought you were talking caveman language.
Ugga-booga-looga. Or some sort of witch doctor voodoo, sort of...
Ooh, booga-booga, me mend lady leg
with blood from monkey and milk from... another monkey.
Uh, well, time for Traffic and Travel.
(HORN HONKING)
MAN: Traffic and travel with Bulldog Conservatories.
Oh, God.
Oh, I got this, um,
dinner I'm supposed to be having with this boring
but very important friend of mine,
who's, uh... Yeah, he's got
the whole of the franchise for the Norfolk Range Rover dealership...
- Wow. - And Cambridge for his sins.
By the way, if you ever want to borrow a Range Rover,
uh, give me six months' notice and I can organise it like that.
- Great. - Uh, no charge.
I mean, just... Yeah.
Uh, don't take it outside mainland UK
or exceed 500 miles, bring it back with a full tank.
And obviously, you know, organise your own insurance.
- You're over 25, right? - Yeah.
Well, that's what I said. I said, "She's over 25."
I said, "She looks younger."
But she's over 25.
Um, so, yeah.
Just, you know... But apart from that, fill your Uggs.
What did you want it for again?
I don't.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was my idea, wasn't it?
- Um, do you want a top-up? - (MAKES SOUND OF GUN FIRING)
Ahh. Uh, yeah, yeah. Fill... Oh, I said that.
Fill your mugs.
Very good.
Yeah, yeah, like I say, he's just a big cheese poo
in a, you know, in a pond, in a small pond.
- Big fish. - Oh, big fish, not cheese.
What's wrong with you, you nutter?
- (MAKING SHOOTING SOUND) - (LAUGHING)
- Ooh, again. - Yeah, again. Two suicides.
Yeah, you really are like a breath of fresh air, Zoe.
Yeah, honest to God. I mean, you could come in here in the morning
with a bulb of garlic stuffed in your mouth,
two cloves in your ears, two stuffed up your nose and...
No, just that.
And you'd still have a breath of fresh air.
Alan, if I wanted to ward off vampires,
I'd just use my crucifix.
(FAKE MOANING)
Alan, I'd just drive a stake through your heart.
You already ruddy have.
(COUGHS)
It's goodbye from me.
And cheerio from me.
Uh, that's all from Zoe and Alan
on Mid Morning Matters, when, once again,
mid morning mattered.
(THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS EYES BY KATE BUSH PLAYING)
Lovely. Lovely.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) So, um...
Weirdest thing, I just got a text from, um,
- my Range Rover guy. - Mmm-hmm.
His wife, um, has broken her kneecap.
- Oh, God. - I know.
It's, uh... So I just... He just called me
all at sixes and sevens, I said, "Just forget about the dinner."
Um, I mean, high-powered, you know,
mutually-lucrative business meetings are one thing,
but what's more important is looking after the people you love.
Aw...
Yeah.
So, uh, so what are you going to do instead?
Um, I think I'll just
go home and finish off, um, reading The Lovely Bones.
Yeah, it's, uh, it's a sad book,
but it's sad in a sad way.
You need a box of tissues by the bed.
Already got a box of tissues by the bed.
Alan, do you... Do you ever just want to, you know, drop it all
and just run off into the distance?
I... I do sometimes have a fantasy
where I just get on the next plane to the US
and I retrain as an air marshal.
You know. Sometimes I think I'd love to see out my days,
you know, travelling back and forth
on US domestic airlines whilst carrying a concealed firearm.
Wow.
- What about you? - Oh, totally.
I mean, that's why I'm going travelling, you know.
When?
Monday.
- How long? - Three months.
- I'm travelling to Southeast Asia. - Really?
- Mmm. - Ah.
Oh, I'll write you a postcard.
You know, apparently the beaches are amazing.
- I'll miss you. - They've got these huts.
And you can just dive straight into the sea from your hut.
All that splashing and splushing and working up an appetite for
a breakfast fit for the man from Del Monte.
Who's basically a quality controller for a tinned food conglomerate.
Yeah, and then seeing out the sunset with cocktails.
Then curl up in a double-sized hammock and give each other a cuddle.
Yeah, I'd probably actually go out clubbing,
because apparently those midnight raves, amazing.
Actually, I've just realised,
- I've still got the reservation... - Oh, my God!
My flatmate has got my sunglasses.
Alan, I'm really sorry.
I've got a memory like a sieve.
(SIGHS)
Just realised, actually, I've still got a reservation at the restaurant.
Um, maybe we could just, um, dine together?
My friends have just texted
and they've set me up on some ridiculous blind date with some doctor.
- Oh... - So...
Okay. Well, like I say, only if you're at a loose end, that's all.
(INAUDIBLE)
(THE MAN WITH THE CHILD IN HIS EYES CONTINUES)